


A Slow Suicide

by Bitter_Baristas



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Brothers, Character Death, Character Study, Depressing, Introspection, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Sad Ending, Self-Destruction, Self-Sacrifice, Sibling Rivalry, Suicide, but not really, goes across all thor movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 11:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bitter_Baristas/pseuds/Bitter_Baristas
Summary: “I am not your brother.” He spits, venom dripping from the words. Because he is poison, and he knows it.“You will always be my brother, Loki.” Thor’s mouth doesn’t smile, but his eyes shine with earnest. Loki thinks he must be seeing what Odin had. The man he knew Thor would become. A man that Loki will never admit is the better of the two of them. A man meant to be king.





	A Slow Suicide

From the moment he’s born, Loki is unwanted. Laufey takes one look at him and casts him aside because at first glance he knows Loki isn’t fit to be king. He's born small, and they are Frost Giants. It's a mercy, really, to end the child before he can grow to know what pain is. Because if allowed to live pain is all he will know--the struggle to survive in a world that will not bend to accommodate him.

It is to protect the thrones dignity from mockery, for none of Laufey’s subjects would bow before a king as slight as Loki.

Before Laufey can decide if he will kill the child or simply deny him his heritage their kingdom is under attack. He passes the swathed baby to a servant and orders her to hide him. By God's, if anyone was going to kill his kin he wouldn’t allow it to be Odin.

It is an irony only the universe can appreciate, that Odin takes pity on the minuscule creature and returns home with him. Takes him in when his own father had been prepared to abandon him.

Loki is a second son to make his own strive to be better. Nothing more than another stolen relic. Or perhaps the elderly God had kinder intentions. Perhaps he simply hadn’t had it in him to snuff out an infant. Loki can’t know what was going through his father's mind in that moment, but he isn’t the type to give the benefit of the doubt.

His childhood is a balance of fighting for approval while trying to convince himself he doesn’t need it. He is Loki, son of Odin, prince of Asgard. He is worthy and he knows it. He also knows that he will never sit upon the throne as king. That privilege belongs--and has always belonged--to Thor.

Yet he still fights for Odin’s praise, for his consideration. He loves Thor, but what made Odin so unequivocally certain that Thor would be the better king? He was all muscle and no thought. Thor would rather seek a fight than extend a hand to offer compromise. Thor would stain the gold of their palace with blood.

Resentment is the rift between them, the bitter taste left in his mouth after every smile he must force for Thor when he effortlessly meets Odin’s expectations.

* * *

Thor is banished to earth. Loki learns the truth of his origin.

He is too young to understand Odin’s cryptic reasonings, too young to think he is wrong. Rebelling comes as easily to him as mischief.

He stabs Thor in the back again and again. Still Thor calls him ‘brother’.

“I am not your brother.” He spits, venom dripping from the words. Because he is poison, and he knows it.

“You will always be my brother, Loki.” Thor’s mouth doesn’t smile, but his eyes shine with earnest. Loki thinks he must be seeing what Odin had. The man he knew Thor would become. A man that Loki will never admit is the better of the two of them. _A man meant to be king._

Later, after they have left Midgard and he is imprisoned in a gilded cage, Loki feels doubt. While resentment and jealousy had taken him farther from Thor, love made it impossible for him to escape his brother’s shadow.

But Loki is not and has never been one to acknowledge his wrong doings. If he can’t be better than Thor, he will be infinitely worse. 

He has set upon a path and it’s too late to turn back.

* * *

Frigga is dead. Thor comes to visit him and Loki lowers his illusions, lets Thor see the ruin in his eyes because even he is not above mourning their mother. _He is not a monster._

They work together and Loki lets himself forget the rivalry between them. The rivalry that is his fault.

But he is the God of Mischief. He is Loki Laufeyson. He can not deny the exhortations of his nature any more than Thor can deny his power over thunder and lightning.

He betrays Thor, again and again.

* * *

Thor, it seems, has finally relinquished his last vestiges of hope that Loki would give up on his ambitions in favor of familial sentiment. They stand next to one another in an elevator, ascending to their freedom.

“I’m probably better off here on Sakaar.” He says this, he thinks, to hurt Thor. To make him ask for Loki to return to him once more so that he can refuse.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Thor agrees with him, and it stings.

“Do you truly think so little of me?” _Why would he think anything more of you? You have done nothing but throw his forgiveness back in his face and betray him._

“‘Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever. But at the end of the day, you’re you and I’m me. I don’t know, maybe there’s still good in you. But let’s be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.’”

He can feel his emotions seeping to the surface and he hates it.

A tentative glance, and then, “yeah,” a pause. “‘It’s probably best that we never see each other again.’”

“‘It’s what you always wanted.’” Thor pats him on the back and it’s worse than a punch.

 _No. It isn’t._ That was never what he wanted. Loki doesn’t have the time or the words to explain this. He’s not sure his silver tongue could even speak these truths.

In the end he obeys the pulsation of his nature and tries to leave Thor for the wolves. But his brother has grown wiser since his banishment to Midgard and anticipates this. He hates that he’s become so predictable.

Thor leaves him convulsing on the floor, and that this is something Loki himself would have done to Thor hurts in almost equal measure to the electricity coursing through him.

It’s then, seizing on the dirty floor, that he realizes his actions have not simply been a bid for attention but a punishment. Revenge against those he thought hadn’t loved him enough. It was his own neediness, insatiable and devouring. It was the battle that none of his family could have conquered.

Although they had tried.

Every self-serving decision he’s made has only served to hurt him. His very nature, little by little, was killing him.

A slow suicide.

* * *

As it usually happens, he fights alongside Thor. They win. They still make as good a team as when they were naive children who only sensed the dangers that lurked outside the palace walls. Today, they face those dangers and they triumph.

* * *

Thanos’ hand threatens to crush Thor’s skull and Loki knows from experience just how much pain the vile beast can inflict to get his way.

He makes a decision then to forgive their father--his father--for his mistakes. He decides to join the losing side simply because it means siding with Thor.

He’s not fast enough. But at least the brutes hand is around his throat instead of Thor’s head.

There’s not enough time to say all that he needs to say. There isn’t the air in his lungs to confess to all his crimes and offer atonement. _This_ is his atonement. His sacrifice. His lungs burn, his face is hot and red from the pressure on his throat.

He can muster one sentence before the blackness fringing his vision consumes him. It isn’t the apology Thor deserves. It’s one last jibe at an old enemy.

“You will never be a God.”

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Moodboard made my me :)  
> 


End file.
